what am i to you

i suppose if one were to assume i owe something to the blog, it would be some regular attention. something i’ve given regardless of how much i don’t feel like sharing, or how much i have waaaaaaaaaaay too much to share. so there it is, it is usually one or the other. lately it’s been my only connection to people and i kinda, honestly, resent that. i feel like blowing up this machine because it represents obligation and not a hell of a lot of satisfaction. it is that honesty that always seems to get me into some sort of trouble. i think i’d like to be in some trouble right now. i should be careful what i wish for, i think there is a lot of trouble i am not privvy to right now that i ought not to be.
in any case, i just got over some massive sickness and though i still have a lingering cough, i feel 1000x better than i did, say, a week ago. still whenever someone is close by with a cigarette my lungs can not stand it. i start coughing, they look (sometimes) guiltily at me, i’m not doing it for show. your cigarettes made me [censored] cough, bitch. stop smoking in a covered area. anyways tonight on my brisk walk out of the seabus station on the north shore, this young woman (she doesn’t get the absense of responsibility associated with ‘girl,’ she was old enough to know better) lit up as SOON as the seabus docked. for those not familiar, there’s about 200 feet of corridor (not open air) that one must walk through after departing from the seabus. yeah it’s pretty standard i think, it’s called a terminal station at a dock. whatever. the point is that she rushed to the front of those departing from the seabus and proceeded to walk hurriedly while puffing the evil stuff and polluting the walk for everyone. thank you, inconsiderable wench. i felt like saying something to her after passing her, but talking too much when the throat is already irritated doesn’t help matters.
what an interesting weekend. i didn’t get the physical activity really that i wanted, but i am sure next time i will. instead i had fabulous waffles and some urban strolling, looking for a new place to live in the west end. so i did get some exercise. well i always do — that is the one advantage of not having a car is that i do quite a bit of walking and i manage to take in some new sights that one might ordinarily just drive by. it was actually quite a good weekend — dinner at my aunt and uncles tonight, some appartment hunting, great conversation on saturday afternoon, a wee bit of picture taking, everything is in order at the apartment and i got some work done on projects for adrian and steve. (seperate.) so that is progress. oh! and some more ideas for the next track i am going to do. so in retrospect everything sounds dandy doesn’t it? yeah it does. sometimes taking the baby steps is hard though and it doesn’t feel so good. i made some wise decisions this weekend and, though they were really hard at the time, i am glad i stick with my sense of integrity and dignity. hows that for windtalking? seriously that is okay. if i know you well enough you know what i am talking about, and if not, you’ll probably figure it out on your own. that’s okay. some things are fine staying private.
privacy is an interesting concept. i am not saying that dignity can not exist outside of privacy, but they sure do cramp eachothers style sometimes, dontcha think? sometimes you just know what people are going to judge about you. and you don’t want to give that power away. people say they aren’t judgemental but at the end of the day, you know they are, you can feel it, you can sense it in comments they make, it just is the way they are. and i am not saying it’s wrong to be judgemental — i think it is important to be, afterall, it is the basis for instinct and gut feeling, and where would you be without that?
i miss having DJ friends around. last night i hung out with Brett (Soma is his DJ name) last night for a bit. he’s cool and laid back and it’s pretty easy to talk to someone if you know you have that common ground with them. i saw him spin for a bit at the Tokyo Lounge (which is snazz btw) and i like his approach to DJing. he’s good. i should say that i miss having DJ friends that play regularly in vancouver — and that i hang out with and my friends. my pal DJ Khan mysteriously dropped off the face of the planet and isn’t returning phone calls (along with some other friends) so that is rather irritating and i do miss the guy, along with my expansive cohort from victoria, some of whom i hung out with on friday at Sonar when Braeden was DJing there. yeah I do like that.
i have to say it is really good to be out of the house again. spending that much time in the apartment was really unhealthy (though healthy at the same time because i was recovering from The Illness) but my energy to be inside and working The Studio dwindles when my primary concern has become surviving in the damn place.
i think that it is interesting that the photo i posted tonight is not a black-and-white photo, but there is very little color to be seen in it. and really, the grey is just the concrete and not the art piece or the message. ‘i love you’ is not a matter of being hazy or confusing, it is clear and you know it means something intense. it is black and white with no inbetween. you either love someone, or you don’t. it is that simple.
what i love about visiting my aunt, uncle and cousin in kitsilano is that they’ve always lived there, as long as i can remember. so it’s like this amazing grounding experience going there, it’s this part of my life that has existed since i was a kid (though i used to spend more time in the backyard when i visited years ago) and mostly it is the same, though i see my relatives in a completely different fashion now. they’re more open to me as well, making jokes and talking about things we wouldn’t normally have talked about before. visiting without the rest of the family around always changes things with any relatives though, it’s always a different dynamic. anyways their timing was impecable and when i needed some grounding, probably the most i have in the last oh — month, or so, they called me (i was going to call them up and see what they were up to) and invited me for dinner and general banter which is always enjoyable. the usual tech-talk with my uncle got a little more involved tonight — he is always looking out for the latest trends (and beyond) so talking tech with him is fun and interesting. the food is the best as it always has been so that, if you know me, is totally satisfying and really, when i think about it, i’ve been spoilt today, first by superwaffles, and then by my uncles cooking. so i owe somebody some amazing meals — whoever trusts me enough to cook for them, that is. yeah just come over and i’ll cook it for you. yes i love the company.
ray is out on video, i wanna see it.
charles sent me an awesome email tonight. i plan on responding (of course, as i do with all awesome emails) but sleep must come first. good night all.